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Thursday, June 26, 2014

Hitting the Wall Softly

It goes without saying that I am so far beyond "The Wall," I am practically knocking on Heaven's Gate. But if The Wall is defined as the moment a woman realizes that she no longer commands the Male Gaze, I reckon I didn't hit it until I was in my early forties. I was about 45 when, for the first time in my adult life, I found I could walk into a bar unaccompanied and nurse a drink for a full hour in uninterrupted solitude.  Suddenly -- it seemed overnight -- I was as invisible as a ghost, passing unseen in streets, browsing undetected in stores, attracting neither positive nor negative attention everywhere I went.

As we all know, it is a basic tenet of the manosphere that American women spend their twenties "riding the cock carousel" until they see thirty candles on their cake, and realize the day has come when they must resign themselves to dusty spinsterhood, fill the yawning void of their barren lives with either cats or sperm-jacked infants -- or else settle for some "beta" chump and start pumping out the requisite 2.5 kids to fill a tract house in the suburbs. You know, I really have no right to deride Roosh for extending his own adolescence into his mid-thirties; I did exactly the same thing. I was at least 35 when it dawned on me that maybe I should start looking around for an agreeable man to knock me up. Oops!

Fortunately, Roosh has had a revelation: "The Wall Is Softer Than We Think."  Which is good news for older women, bad news for guys like Roosh: "The wall for women is more like a speed bump that any woman with half a brain can easily pass at high speed."

You see, savvy spinsters 35-85 have technology to efficiently sift through the remainder bins of available mates, "while forcing the bottom 90% of men to lower themselves through clown game or copy pasta begging on OK Cupid." It's true that a male friend of mine who dipped his toe in Our Time reported a rush of attention --  primarily from the septuagenarian ladies.

"We all want to believe that women will be punished for their bad decisions in life, because there’s no doubt that as men we are punished for ours." Hmm... I'm not sure which "bad decisions" Roosh feels he is being punished for, but I imagine abandoning a career as a biologist in order to pursue "poosy" full-time -- and then blogging about it under his real name -- must be among them. Double oops!

"We want to think that women will be reprimanded for passing on good men in their prime to have sex with bad boys who don’t care about them. But very few will. They will have their cake and eat it too, simply because they have a vagina in a time and place where vagina has the highest value it has ever had." Hey, does this mean we're heading for a "vagina bubble" in the near future?  How will a "vagina crash" impact the global economy? (As for having my cake and eating it too, that reminds me: I still have some left over from my birthday in the freezer. Yay me!)

"In my recent stay in America I was shocked to see the nearly unlimited choice that women over 30 still have to at least get sex, and if you tell them about the wall they would not understand what you speak of. The wall, we must now admit to ourselves, has just as much power in our minds as in reality." Actually, Roosh has been stewing about Elder Sluts for years.

"There will be no redemption. There will be no comeuppance. For most of their lives, women will have it easier than us..." 

I don't know about that. The opportunity to get laid any night of the week does not necessarily "the good life" make. And furthermore, I see little evidence that one gender has it much harder than the other, and how would one quantify respective degrees of hardship, and what does it matter anyway? I used to think that wearing heels and hose everyday was a far greater burden than having to shave every morning or change my own tires. Now I'm compulsively plucking my chin hairs and wearing flat, velcro-strapped mary janes with everything I own like some superannuated toddler, so... 

Let's just agree that being a human is hard, and that sooner or later, everyone eats his (or her) peck of shit. We all have needs, sometimes competing needs: the need for freedom, the need for security; the need for recognition, the need for privacy; the need to find love, the pain of losing that love. We all get old -- that is, if we're lucky -- and we all will experience the physical deterioration that is part of the normal aging process. It's tempting to envy the heirs to great fortunes and Hollywood stars for their "easy" lives, but even Casey Kasem, grossly neglected by his once beautiful blonde trophy wife, died, in the end, of a bedsore. 

"The truth is that any woman who rejects me today will never regret it."

Now that I believe! I'll even take it so far as to declare that any woman who "bangs" Roosh will always regret it.

But getting back to "the wall" metaphor, it occurs to me that what we often think of as "walls" really are more like "doors." About a decade ago, I went out the door of youthful, fertile femininity and emerged in another country called Middle Age Cronedom. Once I had overcome the "culture shock," I began to perceive certain advantages of escaping the male gaze, a freedom and dignity that I had only hitherto experienced as a small child or when wearing an abaya and veil in the middle east. This new "invisibility" can be exhilarating, not unlike discovering a latent "super power." Security and customs officials wave me through lines without meeting my eyes; I wouldn't be altogether surprised to discover that security cameras can no longer capture my image. Certainly, this is the time in my life to consider a second career as a world-class thief, con artist, or terrorist. Strange men, who no longer find me sexually viable, either ignore me completely or initiate oddly frank and self-disclosing conversations: I have, it appears, become everyone's favorite maiden aunt. Students have become more respectful as I have become more direct and authoritative. I can get away with all sorts of bossy behaviors and displays of temperament without causing offense. Although I care less about being found "pleasing," I am certainly kinder in my intentions. In short, an aging female finally enjoys the opportunity to be her most authentic self.

I'm happily coupled and hope to remain so for the rest of my life, but if I were to find myself a lonely singleton, I would have pretty much the same options I had twenty years ago. I could look for a new love amongst my current social circle, or once more brave the trenches of online dating. The same choices are there, although given that I am not the same person with the same needs I had at 35 or 40, I might choose another path altogether: I could simply embrace the joys of single life. After all, what more does anyone need to be happy than a little dog, a stack of books, music to listen to, a small garden to tend, and meals occasionally enlivened by wine and conversation?

29 comments:

  1. Is it me or are these guys unhealthily obsessed with having a butchered evopsych+darwinian view of human connection and humanity? Seems so... miserable :(

    Honestly, if I actually bought into the manospherian view of things (which I don't) I'd just opt out and go celibate and single forever.

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    1. They make themselves miserable over it. They buy into the 80/20 principal and all it does is make them hopeless. The pareto principal is not even a pretty lie, it's a big, black, ugly one. Obviously these guys have never taken a good long look at the couples walking around Walmart.

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    2. To "go celibate and single forever" is not necessarily an unhappy option. Although it is rarely necessary.

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  2. I wonder if roosh ever regrets, at least on some level, building his internet presence under his real name. Lol

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  3. They have a very odd view of relationships. It took me a while to realise that these men honestly believe that a young woman can go into a bar and within seconds there will be queues of men round the block for her attention. They don't see all the girls having earnest and sad conversations about why they can't find a guy. Relationships are incredibly hard for everyone.

    Where the big disconnect comes is that men like Roosh are confusing 'she can get a one night stand' with 'she can get a guy'. Yeah, one night stands with sleazy men in bars are easy. But that's not what most women OR men actually want.

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    1. A lot of men strangely believe this, hence the 'nice guy syndrome'. It's probably a "the grass is greener on the other side" phenomenon. They think women who are single are simply being too picky and snooty, and are not grateful for the millions of guys that hit on them. It never occurs to them that their choice matters as well, or that they said yes to a guy who dumped her, etc.

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  4. Reading manospherists' laments, one wonders, who the eff are these people?

    And then the obvious answer presents itself with undeniable clarity: social misfits of all stripes -- autists without redeemable qualities, narcissists, sociopaths, and other maladjusted wackos who are roundly rejected by women everywhere, as they should be, since they do not even perceive women as people, but as vaginas forever beyond their reach. Yet they feel they deserve them somehow because they have a penis.

    Blessed be The Wall if it helps women to keep away from this scourge of the Earth.

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  5. It's hilarious that he thinks everyone has the same one-dimensional interests he has (e.g. just getting laid over and over and over...)

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  6. Lovely article :)

    I've always been puzzled about this whole 'women can get laid whenever they want' trope, when I spent most of my twenties in a state of permanent sexual frustration. Is there some dial-a-shag service for women that no one ever gave me the number of?

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    1. Well, there are a growing number of women unashamedly hiring the services of male escorts these days. But I'm thinking the growth in that industry is relatively recent?

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    2. At my age, I don't want a gigolo, I want a handyman.

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  7. Don't you just want Roosh to be happy? I do.

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    1. Sure, I wish him the best. However, the point is that his current state of mind ensures that happiness is firmly out of his reach. Rage, vitriol and making an enemy out of that which one desires most doesn't make for a happy ending.

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    2. I saw that Siberia video and I thought to myself, I have never seen anything so sad in my life. Does anyone remember how Dorian Gray ends? After a life of a multitude of sins (far more than Roosh has committed) he falls in love with sweet, innocent, Hetty. He knows that his very contact with her will ruin her, so, in an act that he hopes will begin to alter the painting back to its former image, he decides to leave her alone. He feels this unselfish act is a start to turning his life around. He rushes home only to find the portrait even more ugly than before. By leaving, he hurt her. There is no going back for him, no redemption, so he stabs the painting in despair, killing himself via the strange connection between it and himself.

      Roosh has painted himself into a corner, and I believe if he ever finds someone with whom he could truly fall in love, his reputation would ruin her and he would have to give her up for her own protection. Talk about heart-breaking! Unfortunately, like an insulated president, he has surrounded himself with pimps and fanboys and allows no voice of dissent, even if that voice of dissent is what could actually save him. They push him further and further into this corner. No true friend would do that. I believe he has taken the mantle of "leader of the Manosphere" because he is already ruined and he feels he has nothing left to lose. I feel that is a mistake. He has no idea what opportunities may arise in the next five years that would cause him to rue what he has done. Maybe he will push through far enough to the other side that it just might work, but those who would make him a sacrificial lamb for their own benefit, I believe, do him a disservice.

      I honestly can't imagine what his parents are thinking. Are they blind, deaf, and dumb? I don't care that he's a 35 year old man, if my son were at the ends of the earth in despair, I would be saying, "Come home." He's written horribly misguided things about the man I love dearly and I still say, "Come home." How can this possibly be worth it?

      I care about souls, and his is in real peril. He's drowning in plain site, and I just hope if the time comes, there will be someone around to bring him back to the surface.

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    3. It is sad, but it's a hell of his own making. For all his talk of self improvement, he really doesn't do much in the way of self reflection.

      And you're right, he has painted himself into a corner. For him to redeem himself and change direction, he'd have to admit that he's been wrong all these years, that's no easy thing to do. It's even tougher to change direction when you're entire identity rests upon it, and when you have a bunch of followers who will turn on you in a heartbeat. You saw that yourself when the PUAs turned on Mark.

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    4. Yup. Well, look after him, if you can.

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    5. I wonder what made him choose to back himself into a corner in a first place ...

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    6. I'm sad to say this, but I don't think that people who end up so lost start out completely pure at heart to begin with. Everyone goes through rejection, pain, humiliation, self-doubt, embarrassment, loneliness, disillusionment and all those other bad feelings, at some point in their lives. For most of us, it starts in adolescence. Our dreams and expectations get crushed, but we learn how to deal with it. We revise our expectations, and learn to experience the world past our hurt feelings. But some people don't get there, somehow. I think that those may be the people who started out as such spoiled, self centered and childishly entitled individuals that they are incapable of anything but raging, tantruming and throwing poop at reality when it fails tomconform to their fantasies. The vast majority of boys had their hearts broken, were given to understand that the head cheerleader/supermodel/beauty queen will never like them back and were able to realize that the cool dude who screws a million hot chicks is a pop culture myth, and yet they've moved on to form fulfilling relationships, after a few years of adolescent moping. But guys like Roosh are more interested in spewing their anger while expecting the world to take notice and fix their booboos than they are in forming loving adult relationships with real women. Why? Were they ruined by over indulging mothers? Is extreme self involvement an inborn trait? I don't know. All I'm saying is that, maybe, guys like Roosh didn't simply take a few wrong turns. They were already wrong in some way...

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    7. Semi-curious question Kate (and if it shows up twice its cuz Blogspot messed up) but are you still with Mark? He seems angry again.

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    8. Is wishing happiness for a sociopath the right thing to begin with? By necessity, such happiness would entail more misery and suffering for others, as this is the way sociopaths achieve "happiness." -- by using and abusing other people.

      You romanticize this individual, I'm afraid. As ElectricViolin cogently observes, he is "already wrong in some way" -- his glaring lack of conscience, on full display, is a profound demonstration of it.

      You need not worry about him falling in love. People like him do not know the meaning of love and all it involves. The closest he can come to anguish is being thwarted in his pursuit of egocentric pleasure -- and that's no love. It is something he very much needs, however, and deserves.

      His mother, if she is alive and aware of what her son has become, must be crushed (unless she shares his sociopathic characteristics -- it happens).

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    9. @gunlord: Yes, we are still together. Quite happily. Bear in mind that words on a page are not a complete representation of an entire person. And environment plays a big role.

      @ Anonymous: I understand what you're saying about wishing happiness to a sociopath meaning unhappiness for someone else, but I don't know if that's the case here. I fully believe that there are a lot of men who need a woman to care about them in some capacity. They need sisters and friends, cousins, aunts, maternal care, etc. Before I was in a relationship, I was a true platonic pen-pal to several men. They were absolutely starved for someone to show them a little kindness. To talk about their lives, their interests, their goals. They all benefited from knowing me and I benefited from them. I believe love is transformative. The kind of happiness I wish for Roosh is the normal kind: where two people caring about each other brings out the best in each for mutual benefit.

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    10. That's nice, Kate. I mean it.

      But I also believe that you are naive.

      Of course men -- all men, including the worst sociopaths and malignant narcissists -- are starved for the company (attention, touch, sex) of women. Unfortunately, many naive women -- for example, Charles Manson's current newest wife who is some 60-years his junior -- believe that their love and devotion will transform their characters into something resembling humanity. What really happens, however, is that they, the naive ones, end up being used for sex and other perks of womanhood (attention, touch, domestic duties, etc.).

      The naive ones always labor under a couple of the same self-serving delusions:
      1. he never hurts me, therefore he is not such a bad man (or is a good man);
      2. my love for him will change him for the better.

      Re: delusion no. 1: even the worst psychopaths tend to take care of their useful property -- as long as it is useful; when the property becomes inconvenient or incapacitated, it becomes discarded like an old pizza box.

      Re: delusion no. 2: love does not have the power to create a conscience in a psychopath, no more than it has the power to grow legs in a double amputee. It is a neuropsychological (= as good as physical) impossibility.

      All the naive women, young and old, who have been falling for psychopaths since time immemorial, have nurtured these very delusions, with a great danger to themselves and possible others (their children, relatives, etc.) Beware of falling victim to your wishful thinking, as reality, including your preferred psychopath, tends to not agree with it, even though it may appear so for a while.

      "The kind of happiness I wish for Roosh is the normal kind: where two people caring about each other brings out the best in each for mutual benefit."

      Very sweet of you, but naive again. There is no evidence anywhere in R's words and actions that he is capable of that kind of relationship. Well, unless he semi-permanently hooks up with another sociopath and both of them will enjoy "mutual benefits" of such a hookup -- as long as it is convenient for either one of them.

      But he is not interested in even that kind of a crippled sociopathic semi-permanent hookup, so that's that.

      Sorry, Kate, but if it quacks and walks like a conscienceless psychopath, it ain't a healthy human being with a potential to be transformed by love (or "love").

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    11. I understand your explanations of the delusions and agree with them in reference to psychopaths/sociopaths. I'd toss addicts into that category too. In your last line it sounds like you agree that healthy human beings can be transformed by love though? I may have written too broadly, but that was my intended point, and I'm sticking to it :)

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    12. Yes, I do agree that love has the power to transform non-defective (= characterologically unimpaired) people. Addicts are troubled, but not conscienceless, so there is hope for them too. But predators like R are a lost cause.

      When people show us who they are -- and they (almost) always do, in their words and actions (or lack of them) -- we should believe them.

      Unfortunately, being prone to self-delusions, we tend to ignore these wise words. Young women, especially the sensitive and idealistic ones, eager to love and be loved, and nurturing romantic ideas about life (not that there is anything wrong with that), are particularly vulnerable to predators who can immediately spot an easy mark.

      R not only publicly demonstrates his depravity, he is also proud of it. His lack of conscience could not be any more clear. Rather than wish for him to find love -- a noble, but misguided impulse -- one may want to wish for a massive kick in his behind (figuratively, if not literally speaking), and a dose of his own predatory "medicine" applied to him, as those are the only forms of interventions that may have any influence on him. If that.





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    13. I think love can redeem a person, but only if it is the person needing redemption is the one who loves, and wants to change for the sake of the person they love. But thinking you can change someone by loving them is indeed a noble but misguided impulse, especially when that is someone incapable of loving anyone.

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    14. @Anonymous: Oh, there is no doubt he is headed for a giant fall. And, to learn anything, alas, he'll have to. I guess eventually one just has to stand aside and let it happen.

      @snork maiden: I think you've articulated an important nuance, and I agree with you. Good golly, its nice to be in agreement once in a while! :) :) :)

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    15. I guess there are some safe subjects :)

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  8. Hit the nail on the head: http://i.imgur.com/S5JXBzN.png

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