Translate

Saturday, November 1, 2014

He's The Boss

I've been trying to rent one of my duplex units for two months. We've tried various means of marketing it, including hiring a rental manager who appears to have done nothing more than post an obscure sign for his company on the lawn. Part of the problem is that we're putting it on the market at a time of year when relatively few people move. With the holidays fast approaching, we started to get impatient. We finally decided to post our own sign, and finally started getting a few calls.

This weekend a likely prospect showed up. A young woman (I'll call her Emily) took a look at the place, and was very enthusiastic. "It's so clean and spacious! I haven't seen anything this nice!" Since moving to the area a month ago, she, her husband, their three small children AND a large dog have been sharing one room in a budget motel while they look for a house to buy.

"I can't take being cooped up in there one more day," Emily said. "I can't even put the baby on that filthy floor."

We offered the couple a three month rental agreement. That would tide us over the holidays, when the rental market was likely to pick up, and would be a great mitzvah for this pleasant family in need. The rent they would be paying us would be less than what they were paying for the motel; it would take them at least two months to find and close on a house; they would be able to spread out and relax in comfort. They even had a fenced yard for the dog.

It seemed like a win:win for both parties, and we expected them to sign the agreement and move in today. 

We were surprised to get a tense call from Emily this morning. "Dale doesn't want to move out of the motel," she said. "I'm still talking to him about it."

As the day wore on, my partner and I wondered how Emily's conversation with Dale was going, There was not one doubt in our minds that Emily would quickly prevail. After all, as the old adage goes, If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

At three the phone finally rang. Emily was sobbing. "Dale won't let us leave the motel," she said. "He says it won't kill me and the kids to stay here another few weeks."

That didn't make sense to us, and we couldn't help expressing our surprise.

"I know it doesn't make sense," Emily said, "but he's the boss."

I felt a frisson of fear at these words. Were Emily and her children (and their large loveable dog) safe?

My partner said, "He's gonna pay for this later."

I thought about some of the men of the manosphere who brag about their ability to exert dominance over their wives, and the other men who complain bitterly about women who "frivorce" them. I thought how Dale may have won this particular "battle" but is likely to wind up losing everything. I thought about how people fall out of love, so often, because over time their needs and desires have been dismissed by the partner with more power.

13 comments:

  1. That poor woman and her kids :(

    Given that they would've saved money by moving into the apartment, that guy's actions make no sense. Sounds like an ugly control freak situation. I mean, why pull a stunt like that at the last minute? When she came to see the apartment she must have been under the impression he was okay with them finding somewhere better to live? My non partner and I aren't all sunshine and roses, and the fact that neither of us is 'the boss' does lead to a lot of squabbles (currently I want to convert the loft, he doesn't), but at least we respect each other enough to let the other know what's going on.

    I expect if she leaves him one day he'll be whining about her ruining his life because she was 'unhaaaaapppy'.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Might have something to do with the pay situation...depending on the job. Especially government jobs. I think a person is paid more (in a per diem rate) while 'in transit' (for a certain length of time...there's a limit of course). A motel would qualify for the rate, but once they sign the lease and move into a permanent location it's over. I've seen people do all sorts of odd things and make themselves miserable to save a little (self moves are a big one).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well if that's the case it would justify staying in the motel, even while paying more money than they would renting an apartment.

      However it's still really out of order not to explain such matters to one's spouse, but to instead allow them to make all kinds of plans and then put your foot down at the last minute, I think that's what makes Dale a bit of an asshole here.

      Delete
    2. Moving really brings out the crazy in a lot of people. aiiii ASSuming she's staying home with kids and dog while he trots off to work every day, I'd be massively irked if I were her, even if it was that case that making bank on the per diem depended on us staying in that motel room all day. yikes. Plus, usually if you're in a motel room with kids you're relying on a combo of convenience meals and outings to McDonald's to break up the cramped monotony, which eats up a lot of money in a hurry, too. Penny wise pound foolish.

      Who knows what their situation is, though?

      But yeah, agree there are a lot of relationships where one person kind of lords it over the other, and is shocked (!) later that there's just not much lovin' feeling left.

      I read once, and this totally rang true to me, that some people will quietly give up and kind of martyr themselves by staying in lopsided relationships because they KNOW at some level their feelings of attachment are gradually dying. So when the day comes that they leave they'll already be "checked out" and won't really have to feel much about the split. An element of revenge in play, too: you know the other person will be hurt and shocked when the breakup comes but you feel like, well, you tried and failed so many times to have your own concerns taken seriously, so what did he/she expect?!

      Delete
    3. It's not a matter of getting a per diem. He just felt it was inconvenient to have to move for only a couple of months. He's at work all day, so the crowded situation just doesn't bother him. Also in play is that he seems naive about how long it actually takes to find and close on a house, especially when you're new to the area.

      "I read once, and this totally rang true to me, that some people will quietly give up and kind of martyr themselves by staying in lopsided relationships because they KNOW at some level their feelings of attachment are gradually dying."

      That totally rings true to me, too. In fact, she said in closing that she was getting ready to pack up the kids and move back to Florida.

      Delete
    4. "It's not a matter of getting a per diem. He just felt it was inconvenient to have to move for only a couple of months. He's at work all day, so the crowded situation just doesn't bother him. Also in play is that he seems naive about how long it actually takes to find and close on a house, especially when you're new to the area"

      Damn. Well, I don't blame her for wanting to go back to Florida.

      Delete
  3. That poor woman.

    3 young kids AND a dog in a budget motel room-- FOR A MONTH?!? These circumstances would make a person snap in less than a week! It's miraculous that she had the gumption to go out there and find anything, much less this great situation at Cinzia's duplex.

    As for this "Dale" character: The entitlement is strong within this one. I bet if the situation was reversed, he would not like being cooped up one little bit.

    And "it won't kill you"-- no, it may not kill her. But is that what it would take to get him to pay attention? It will break her down and damage her spirit. How can a life partner-- the person who should value you most in this world-- treat the person they care about like this?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sadly, but not surprisingly, the one with most (all) money IS the boss. In a family with three small children, it is still usually the man. Until he isn't (because, yeah, "frivorce" -- and other fairy tales).

    Even if he were the boss, Dale's not a good one.

    ReplyDelete
  5. @ Anonymous at 11:43 AM

    "So when the day comes that they leave they'll already be "checked out" and won't really have to feel much about the split. An element of revenge in play, too: you know the other person will be hurt and shocked when the breakup comes but you feel like, well, you tried and failed so many times to have your own concerns taken seriously, so what did he/she expect?!"

    That's a very astute observation, Anon. Thanks for articulating it so well.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." - good?
    "he's the boss" - bad?

    Cough. Probably both dynamics are playing here. He's making the decision, but she's not happy about it so nobody will be.

    Somebody is being an asshole. Either he is by making unilateral decisions and ignoring the well being of the family, or she is by ignoring the well being of the well being of the family and throwing a tantrum for not getting her way.

    "He just felt it was inconvenient to have to move for only a couple of months."

    Sounds like he's at fault.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He sounds like a very shite "boss".
      And having a shite person in charge is always bad. It's really sad for the kids. An environment like that is going to get toxic and bitter. It's one thing to have that situation forced on you and another to be forced into it because the "boss" had decided he doesn't care enough to be bothered.

      Delete
    2. I would agree that neither statement is very encouraging, the former puts me in mind of a recent AVFM meme were they used the 'If Mama ain't happy....' in a way that suggested it was used to defend child abuse.

      But I don't think it's fair to suggest Emily will be making her family unhappy because she didn't get her way, I think she, the children, and probably the dog will be unhappy because they're cooped up in a motel room when they could be living in nice apartment at no extra cost. I doubt Dale will be happy either, unless he's able to completely tune out the feelings of his wife and kids, especially if they're still stuck in that motel come Christmas and Emily will have the fun job of either saying 'I told you so' or biting her tongue and stewing silently.

      I think the fundamental flaw in traditional patriarchal marriages, or any relationship where one partner has all the power, is that it only works well if the one with the power is still receptive to the needs and opinions of all concerned, as opposed to 'I am the boss, deal with it', it's also essential that the one with the power be right all the time, and no one is right all the time.

      I suppose what I'm saying is it's okay for a family to assign a leader, but it should be a leader within a democracy rather than a dictatorship.

      Delete
    3. I agree with that last statement

      Delete

Thanks for commenting!